2. The single life isn’t as bad as you think. An emotional palate-cleanser between relationships — like spending an hour or two browsing Anthropologie without your ex sitting in a pretty chair at one of the designated Boyfriend Stations and whining about wanting to leave — is fun and essential.
3. Don’t forget all the fighting and despair that came before the breakup. Looking back at y’alls relationship with rose colored glasses is silly. We both know that the weeks leading up to the end of the relationship were Where Fun Went To Die.
4. This is prime motivation to transform yourself into Kate Upton. You might be lying in bed eating a Sadness Burrito ™ now, but in five minutes you will have the sudden urge to train for a 5k and get an expensive haircut. The Show Him What He’s Missing workout plan is more effective than living on kale chips and fish oil for a year.
5. You dodged a bullet. At least you didn’t get married.
6. You must, MUST unfriend him on Facebook. Right now, you might be like, “Whatever, I don’t want to be so dramatic, and it’s not like I check it anyway!” One month from now you will be crying in the work bathroom because some pretty, YOUNGER girl from a college you NEVER EVEN HEARD OF AND IS PROBABLY UNACCREDITED (SERIOUSLY, SINCE WHEN IS "YALE" A THING) say something vaguely flirtatious on his wall and your co-worker Michelle will catch you and take you downstairs for shrimp salad not that this has happened to me. Yesterday.
7. And don't fall into the trap of ragging on the girls you think he is sleeping with. It feels awesome to dis on some random Facebook stranger with your friends, but then you will feel sick and guilty of girl-on-girl crime. It's not her fault. In fact, you should be wishing that girl godspeed. She'll need it.
8. Don’t check his Twitter obsessively, either. I see you.
9. Avoid his friends, even if they became your friends. Don’t play like you are getting drinks with that one friend of his who sweats too much and always stares at your breasts because you’re good buddies. You’re doing it because you want to get intel. Stop it.
10. The sex probably wasn’t actually that good. Sometimes when you like somebody a lot, you Memento yourself into thinking that your boring, half orgasm-less missionary sex is “Jack and Rose reaching mutual orgasm in a humid old jalopy” sex. ‘Twasn’t. The next man will be better.
11. Think of all your single female friends who are incredible.Versus your single male friends who are… nowhere, and don’t exist. Would you ever blame them for not being able to make a relationship last? No. So don’t blame yourself.
12. He had elements of tooldom that you chose to overlook.Like a tendency to make fun of overweight women on the street, or having a pretentious style blog nobody read, or wearing glasses that made him look like a lesbian. (Three of my exes.) Time to remember those qualities and blow them the fuck UP.
If you’re one of those types who wants to give him the benefit of the doubt (“No, he’s great, it was my fault!”) stop. Just let yourself believe he’s a dickhead. You will either hate him or yourself, and better that it’s him.
13. You're not going to be Alone Forever just because some guy "needed to focus more on his job," Ms. Crazytown.So stop having anxiety attacks about being that crone who is limping down the street with a shopping cart full of empty plastic bags.
14. There is an expiration date on the grieving period.Dragging out the whole sad-sack routine is not good for anybody, least of all yourself. It might take awhile to get over, but it’ll be quicker if you distract yourself with non-moping, non-reading-old-texts-and-crying activities.
15. Going the self-destructive route will make it worse. Being dumped gives you the impulse to drink too much, go home with randos, smoke a pack a day and party every night. But treating yourself like you’re worthless will send you backwards emotionally rather than forward. Don’t let one relationship land you in a twelve-step program.
16. You are so, so, so, so young. Gah! So young.
17. It’s not the end of the world. People break up all the time, and Earth has still stuck around for 4.5 billion years. So like, there’s that.
18. Your friends are significantly more important than any guy you break up with in your twenties. And you still have them, right? You’re good.
19. You don’t want to be stuck with someone before you finish growing up. You are half an adult at this point, and staying/growing with another half-adult can end up with both of you sort of stunted and weird, like one of those strawberries that has a tiny strawberry growing on it. The person you successfully end up with will be someone you choose when you’re your own fully-formed individual strawberry.
20. Frosted Flakes still exist. Which is my go-to sad food, but yours might be Ben & Jerrys or chocolate cake, or kale if you’re someone I immediately hate. Go get some.
21. Things happen for a reason, and this happened because he was the wrong guy for you. Don’t be hard on yourself about why he dumped you. The exact reason he dumped you is the reason someone else will (probably already does) love you. Now get me some Frosted Flakes.
2. The single life isn’t as bad as you think. An emotional palate-cleanser between relationships — like spending an hour or two browsing Anthropologie without your ex sitting in a pretty chair at one of the designated Boyfriend Stations and whining about wanting to leave — is fun and essential.
3. Don’t forget all the fighting and despair that came before the breakup. Looking back at y’alls relationship with rose colored glasses is silly. We both know that the weeks leading up to the end of the relationship were Where Fun Went To Die.
4. This is prime motivation to transform yourself into Kate Upton. You might be lying in bed eating a Sadness Burrito ™ now, but in five minutes you will have the sudden urge to train for a 5k and get an expensive haircut. The Show Him What He’s Missing workout plan is more effective than living on kale chips and fish oil for a year.
5. You dodged a bullet. At least you didn’t get married.
6. You must, MUST unfriend him on Facebook. Right now, you might be like, “Whatever, I don’t want to be so dramatic, and it’s not like I check it anyway!” One month from now you will be crying in the work bathroom because some pretty, YOUNGER girl from a college you NEVER EVEN HEARD OF AND IS PROBABLY UNACCREDITED (SERIOUSLY, SINCE WHEN IS "YALE" A THING) say something vaguely flirtatious on his wall and your co-worker Michelle will catch you and take you downstairs for shrimp salad not that this has happened to me. Yesterday.
7. And don't fall into the trap of ragging on the girls you think he is sleeping with. It feels awesome to dis on some random Facebook stranger with your friends, but then you will feel sick and guilty of girl-on-girl crime. It's not her fault. In fact, you should be wishing that girl godspeed. She'll need it.
8. Don’t check his Twitter obsessively, either. I see you.
9. Avoid his friends, even if they became your friends. Don’t play like you are getting drinks with that one friend of his who sweats too much and always stares at your breasts because you’re good buddies. You’re doing it because you want to get intel. Stop it.
10. The sex probably wasn’t actually that good. Sometimes when you like somebody a lot, you Memento yourself into thinking that your boring, half orgasm-less missionary sex is “Jack and Rose reaching mutual orgasm in a humid old jalopy” sex. ‘Twasn’t. The next man will be better.
11. Think of all your single female friends who are incredible.Versus your single male friends who are… nowhere, and don’t exist. Would you ever blame them for not being able to make a relationship last? No. So don’t blame yourself.
12. He had elements of tooldom that you chose to overlook.Like a tendency to make fun of overweight women on the street, or having a pretentious style blog nobody read, or wearing glasses that made him look like a lesbian. (Three of my exes.) Time to remember those qualities and blow them the fuck UP.
If you’re one of those types who wants to give him the benefit of the doubt (“No, he’s great, it was my fault!”) stop. Just let yourself believe he’s a dickhead. You will either hate him or yourself, and better that it’s him.
13. You're not going to be Alone Forever just because some guy "needed to focus more on his job," Ms. Crazytown.So stop having anxiety attacks about being that crone who is limping down the street with a shopping cart full of empty plastic bags.
14. There is an expiration date on the grieving period.Dragging out the whole sad-sack routine is not good for anybody, least of all yourself. It might take awhile to get over, but it’ll be quicker if you distract yourself with non-moping, non-reading-old-texts-and-crying activities.
15. Going the self-destructive route will make it worse. Being dumped gives you the impulse to drink too much, go home with randos, smoke a pack a day and party every night. But treating yourself like you’re worthless will send you backwards emotionally rather than forward. Don’t let one relationship land you in a twelve-step program.
16. You are so, so, so, so young. Gah! So young.
17. It’s not the end of the world. People break up all the time, and Earth has still stuck around for 4.5 billion years. So like, there’s that.
18. Your friends are significantly more important than any guy you break up with in your twenties. And you still have them, right? You’re good.
19. You don’t want to be stuck with someone before you finish growing up. You are half an adult at this point, and staying/growing with another half-adult can end up with both of you sort of stunted and weird, like one of those strawberries that has a tiny strawberry growing on it. The person you successfully end up with will be someone you choose when you’re your own fully-formed individual strawberry.
20. Frosted Flakes still exist. Which is my go-to sad food, but yours might be Ben & Jerrys or chocolate cake, or kale if you’re someone I immediately hate. Go get some.
21. Things happen for a reason, and this happened because he was the wrong guy for you. Don’t be hard on yourself about why he dumped you. The exact reason he dumped you is the reason someone else will (probably already does) love you. Now get me some Frosted Flakes.
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